Getting Dirty With that QWERTY

in Dating & Sex Humor Lifestyle by Tony Nusret — January 21, 2010 |

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The following post was written by our good friend Tony Nusret from www.advicelords.com. Tony Nusret is a writer/editor trying to make it in the urban jungle of Chicago. A stranger to all except his Snuggie, Tony is working his way to the billions and trillions usually netted by professional writers (with professional drug habits).

Technology doesn’t tend to mean much to people until someone figures out a way to use it for something filthy. The internet was invented in 1640, but until they had live webcams of co-ed sluts, no one really gave a shit. And so it is with texting, which I’d never heard of until I read an article about so-called “Sexting.”

Sexting is using text messages to make sexually suggestive remarks to people, which is awesome if you are out of minutes for real phone sex, courting a deaf person, or trying to host a Torgy, in which case you need to satisfy many inboxes at once with your digital love

Anyone of any age can sext, and it’s impossible to filter out, unlike the security settings on the family computer. Sexting makes perfect sense because it combines technology parents don’t understand with subjects they hate their children knowing about. Also, it doesn’t require any kind of effort on either party’s part, so of course it’s going to become a phenomenon in a culture where few people have the energy to even watch the Olympics.

There’s really nothing less sexually arousing than text on a tiny screen, especially when it’s something like MDACW69 (My dad’s at Chipotle, wanna 69?) But since you’re going to go out there anyways, the least I can do is arm you with some knowledge before you give yourself finger cramps sending suggestive acronyms to people you barely know.

Know Where Your Sextual Partner is First

Before you jump right in asking if she still has all those hickeys you left on her ass, make sure she’s not playing shuffleboard with her gam-gam or at the funeral of a beloved uncle. I speak from experience when I say trying to get laid at an uncle’s funeral is like trying to score LSD at a Jonas Brothers Concert: Whether you’re successful or not, we all lose.

Don’t Sextually Assault Anyone

Sure this seems like common sense, but when things get hot and heavy, winky faces and commas made to look like boobs start flying around, anything can happen. I recommend a safety Emoticon. I myself like to use the terrified face, pictured to the right < .

This face lets my partners know srsly, not lol, DTPAPYSSBO (Drop that penguin and put your sister’s shirt back on).

You Have No Excuse Not to Call

If your night of random text didn’t go off as planned, it’s very tough to get rid of a textual partner. First off, they got your number, they know your little brother didn’t borrow your phone, and all the other precious bullshit excuses we’ve been collecting since time immemorial. So when you break off a sext partner, you can’t cite their looks, say that you spend too much time together, that things are moving too fast, or that you’re still getting over a text-ex. I suggest owning a phone that can be easily chucked into a nearby lake or gorge in case of such emergencies.

Chris Hansen’s Eyes Are Everywhere

So you ran into some hottie at the Pac Sun and now you’re facing statutory rape charges? Well, 6 12-14 year olds probably didn’t think much of it when they circulated a picture of a nude classmate, until they got busted on child porn charges. And if you think locking those kids up will somehow lead to less statutory rape, then you might not be real clear on what happens in prison or juvie.

Sexting is Totally Lame

I didn’t want to be the one to have to tell you this, but even if you sidestep all of these problems, you’re still staring smack dab at yourself acting like a complete douche nozzle while standard messaging rates apply. If you have any other form of sexual release at all, texting is already pointless.

Much like pulling your pud to an issue of Cat Fancy, sexting will only lead down an increasingly bizarre and twisted path of sexual deviance. You think everything’s fine until the day that you e-mail your college roommate that your dick is in a toaster just so you can get an erection. Sexting will increase your chances of getting laid slightly more than your boxed set of High School Musical DVDs, but a little less than owning an Aero Garden.

Visit www.advicelords.com to read more great articles by Tony Nusret.

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1. I Hope My Daughter Is a Slut Someday
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3. Ugly is the New Hot
4. Man vs. Woman: The Phone Call
5. Last Resort Booty Calls

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