B.F.W.F.

in Dating & Sex by Tony Nusret — February 1, 2010 |

friends with benefits

The following post was written by our good friend Tony Nusret from www.advicelords.com. Tony Nusret is a writer/editor trying to make it in the urban jungle of Chicago. A stranger to all except his Snuggie, Tony is working his way to the billions and trillions usually netted by professional writers (with professional drug habits).

There are plenty of relationships that start off full of passion and crazy chemistry that turns your stomach and makes you feel light-headed. If you’ve been with the same person since Dawson’s Creek was on, chances are it’s because you’ve had some great times together.

But that new car smell can’t last forever, and most people aged 18-25 who have been in a relationship for many years tend to put it on autopilot. Sometimes you’re calling it in just because everything has fallen into a routine, sometimes you’re just waiting out a blah period for the magic to come roaring back., like when you just knew in your heart someday the Backstreet Boys would be back.

Often though, the magic will not be coming back, the relationship is just gonna keep changing, and sometimes you will not change in lock-step with it. First you lose the small romantic gestures, then the spontaneous dinners and days and nights spent in bed. One day you look at your girlfriend who sits beside you plucking her eyebrows and it hits you, you’re just Best Friends Who F*ck.

Best Friends Who F*ck, or BFWF, as it’s known in the DSM-IV is the systematic change of a relationship from a romantic one to a platonic one, with the notable exception of semi-regular sex. To help you understand if your relationship has hit a rough patch, or if you’ve become BFWF, I’ve devised the following quiz:

Do you often fantasize about your chesty neighbor while having sex with your significant other?
Do you find yourself crying into a moderately priced escort’s arms rather than express your true feelings to your mate?
Is your sex more frequent than the Winter Olympic Games? How about more exciting?
Does your future always look brighter when you envision it without your partner?
Do you sharpen kitchen knives while casting sinister glances at your partner who sits unwittingly watching The Wendy Williams Show?
Do you find yourself coming to love your partner’s little quirks (i.e. deafening night farts) or are they driving you to Google “assassins, accept Paypal”?
Do you fight about important issues, or are you still fuming over the tiff about who should have won The Next Iron Chef?
Does an evening alone or with friends feel like your first taste of freedom after spending what seems like a lifetime in a Cambodian P.O.W. camp?
Does your family hang garlic or paint lamb’s blood around the house when you bring your girlfriend over?
Do your Facebook interests include Dying Alone?

If you thought this quiz was in poor taste, then congratulations on your perfect life, you lousy prick. I hope your solid gold mansion on Gumdrop Lane is good enough for your perfect-werfect widdle love kitten that just so happened to be the first girl not related to you to see your dick. For the rest of us sickos, love isn’t quite so easy.

If you said yes to 1-3 of these your relationship may be salvageable. It’s possible you’re both working really hard on other aspects of your life, but remember that if you don’t grow together, then you’re growing apart. Might not be time to throw in the towel just yet, but it’s time to think about the future.

If you said yes to 4-8 of these questions, your relationship is most likely f*cked twelve ways from Sunday, and I encourage you to begin evacuating the relationship as though it were the Titanic. You two might have started with something special, but if you can’t part ways soon, there’s gonna be some Law and Order: SVU shit going on at your place.

If you said yes to more than 9 of these questions, then it’s time to wonder, what the f*ck is wrong with me? Likely it is you who is so unlovable, so repugnant as a person that the human emotion of love makes you wither and die. Maybe your parents didn’t love you enough, maybe they loved you like Mackenzie Phillips’ dad loved her, but either way, wander the Earth alone for a while, for the good of all mankind.

Sometimes we let the idea of loneliness scare us so much we just stick to mediocre love like a tongue to a frozen metal pole. Not having someone is pretty tough at times, but having someone and still feeling alone? Now that’s sad.

Visit www.advicelords.com to read more great articles by Tony Nusret.

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Author: TonyNusret

Tony Nusret is a writer/editor trying to make it in the urban jungle of Chicago. A stranger to all except his Snuggie, Tony is working his way to the billions and trillions usually netted by professional writers (with professional drug habits). Check out his hilarious site at www.advicelords.com.