68 Hilarious Larry David Quotes

in Quotes by Franky — November 8, 2009 | View Comments

funny larry david quotes

For those of you who may not be quite as familiar with Larry David, this comedic genius was the creator of the hit TV series Seinfeld and then went on to create yet another hilarious TV series on HBO, Curb Your Enthusiasm. With Curb now in its seventh season, we thought it was a perfect time to take a look back at some of the funniest Larry David quotes of all time.

“I was gonna give him the benefit of the doubt, but something told me no; that’s not for you.”

“Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I’m Jewish.”

“Fu*k Hugh. Fu*k Huuuuugh.”

“It’s not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German, it just doesn’t happen that often.”

“I don’t like talking to people I know but strangers I have no problem with.”

“First of all, Richard, they’re not breasts. They’re not breasts, they’re just big chemical balls, okay?”

“I pee sitting down.”

“The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew!”

“I’m much more gentiley than you are!”

“Yes, I was, uh… I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape… about the college girls and the… the wild… the wildness. They’re going wild or something? Somebody told me… about going wild.”

“And how about that hygienist. It’s like if you go to a prostitute, and the prostitute goes around and tells everybody that you got a small penis. Not that I’ve ever been to a prostitute… not that I have a small penis.”

“”I’m not saying it’s a great Hodgkins, It’s a good Hodgkins.”

“Because if we go over his house for dinner then we’re gonna have to invite him some place and if we don’t invite him then he’s gonna be offended, then the next time I go there there’s gonna be tension, ‘I invited you, why didn’t you invite me?’ You know what I mean? We don’t wanna get into that game. I’ll need a new dentist soon, there’s no question about it. That’s the end of this dentist for all intensive purposes, I’m telling’ ya, it’s already ruined, the whole thing. Everybody’s gotta get together, gotta get together, the whole world’s gotta get together.”

“You can’t get sweet potatoes anywhere, have you noticed that?”

“Do you think we really needed Alaska and Hawaii? They gotta ruin everything. They ruined the continental United States. Ruined it! We have a beautiful Pacific coast, Atlantic coast, that’s the continental United States. You don’t need more states. We’re not the British Empire. Are they trying to turn us into the British Empire? And what is Puerto Rico anyway?”

“Oh my god, what a drink! It’s milk and coffee mixed together! You’ve gotta go there! Sit down, have a doughnut! Have a bagel!”

“I’ll have a vanilla…one of those vanilla bulls**t things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bulls**t latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.”

“We don’t have any plans, we just don’t wanna go to dinner with you.”

“I’m just nice. You have nice/p*ssy confusion.”

“Please, whatever you need. I’ll donate anything you want. I’ll donate it all. My time, my organs. What do you want? You want a kidney? I’ll give you a kidney. What else do you need? I’ve got a terrific penis. I could donate a penis. I’ve got a good spleen. Excellent spleen.”

“You ever catch your parents having sex?”

“Bald asshole? That’s a hate crime. We consider ourselves to be a group.”

“Yeah, it’s Halloween but that doesn’t mean you can go around to people’s houses and bilk candy from them.”

“I am not an ass man! I don’t have an ass fetish! I am not obssessed with asses.”

“Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?”

“It’s completely unprofessional. And I know because my whole career’s been based on being unprofessional.”

“What is this compulsion to have people over at your house and serve them food and talk to them?”

“I know my sources. Sophia Loren was once a source.”

“Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?”

“You’re black and your last name is Black? That’s like if my name was Larry Jew.”

“You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.”

“Why do Christians take everything so personally with Christ? You Know? It’s like not only do you have to worship him, you want everybody to. It’s like, I like lobster. Do I go around pushing lobster on people? Do I say “You must like lobster”? “Eat lobster! It’s good. It’s good.” You know, it’s not only where you live; you go to Africa. You travel all over the world. “Eat lobster! Have some more lobster! It’s good!”

“I’m not really too worried about the global warming. People like it a little warmer, don’t they?”

“Everything is ‘heaven’ with [Ted]. The piece of gum he had; ‘Oh this is heaven!’ Had a taste of a chocolate bar; ‘I’m in heaven.’ A parking space is ‘heaven.’ It’s all heaven.”

“That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] “Can’t disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don’t call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it’s life-threatening!”

“My name is Todd, and I’m an incest survivor… I had sex with my uncle when I was 12. He lived in Great Neck, he was a doctor. An osteopath–I don’t even know what they do, but I know they’re doctors. Something to do with muscles, I think. Neither here nor there.”

“Can you shoot the whales from the terrace?”

“With all due respect, Officer Berg, you are not bald. You’ve chosen to shave your hair and that’s a look you’re cultivating in order to look fashionable, but we don’t really consider you part of the bald community…with all due respect.”

“So I’m really happy with my new sneakers. You know, ’cause they’re gray. And, if you think about it’s a good color, ’cause white is really too bright and black is like a pair of shoes. And gray is kind of like right in the middle. They look good.”

“I’m applying the golden rule”

“You heard of Switzerland? It’s a country in Europe and they don’t like to fight. They let everybody do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.”

“Hey, schmuck-face, you can’t just say you’re giving up red meat, there has to be some motivation behind it.”

“He’s my dentist, why is he calling me for dinner?”

“No, I’ve never mentioned anything to him about getting together socially, I wouldn’t mix social and professional, that’s a terrible combination. Well, I’m just gonna tell him we’re going out of town or something.”

“He’s a bra-sniffing dog! He’s a very good bra-sniffing dog!”

“I like it… I got one tiny little comment. I would lose the “motherfu*ker” at the end – ’cause you already said “fu*k” once. You don’t need two fu*ks.”

“I feel like an idiot holding this skewer.”

“What are you talking about, get rid of plaque? I don’t have any plaque. Do you wanna have a plaque contest with me Marty?”

“Number two, she shouldn’t be telling you, that’s a breach of patient-hygienist confidentiality.”

“Alright, weatherman, I’m gonna tell you my point. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that you’re predicting rain to clear the golf course for yourself.”

“I pee sitting down… it’s more comfortable, when you get up during the night you don’t have to turn the light on and wake up, and you get to read.”

“The dog bit my penis!”

“See this thing? It’s a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.”

“Oh, and I forgot to mention, he’s a sex offender.”

“You got the huge vagina and you’re blaming it on the small penis. You know, it’s not really necessary.”

“I’ll tell you what I’m driving at! I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!”

“I’m married. I can wear whatever the hell I want.”

“Funkhouser knowingly served us penis!”

“How come you didn’t tell us that I was eating a black penis, the other night?”

“What do you mean “what kind of cum”? Cum’s cum.”

“An employee is told that the customer’s always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and an asshole.”

“He’s not my best friend!”

“You can put my colon up next to your colon; we’ll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon.”

“I’ve got long balls?”

“[Auntie Rae] went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused. I only have five seconds. After that, it’s out of my control.”

“Can I tell you something about apricots? … 1 in 30 is a good one. It’s such a low percentage fruit.”

“I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors – the thieves don’t impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.”

“Pretty good. Pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty good.”

Ice Cream Samples

Air Conditioning Disagreement

Dinner Party Invitation

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Author: Franky

Franky is 24 years old and lives in San Diego, CA. When he isn't writing for Muff Slap he is perfecting his nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, and computer hacking skills. Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.