Dil-don’t Leave Home Without One

in Dating & Sex by Tony Nusret — January 26, 2010 | View Comments

The following post was written by our good friend Tony Nusret from www.advicelords.com. Tony Nusret is a writer/editor trying to make it in the urban jungle of Chicago. A stranger to all except his Snuggie, Tony is working his way to the billions and trillions usually netted by professional writers (with professional drug habits).

Shopping for the special lady in your life can be a real chore in this day and age. Buying clothes is a minefield, it can’t be too tighy, too billowy, or too from Forever 21. You can’t buy a woman candy in this day and age without yourself having to eat a shit pile of 21st Century body image issues.

Lucky for you puzzled sorts, I’ve always known if you can’t get someone something they can wear or eat, then you need to get something they can have sex with. Kindly drop your Bibles and take off your white wigs before you send me hate mail, because there’s nothing taboo about a polyurethane homage to the womb ferret (especially when cucumbers are so readily available at your local supermarket anyway).

Dildos encourage women to get in there and take their orgasm into their own hands, which seems to mean to many men that they will become obsolete once their lady can jill off all the livelong day. Do you know many guys who turn down sex because they’re just that good at jerking off?

Female masturbation isn’t a threat to real-life cocks at all, it just levels the playing field for guys who can come and reload before America’s Got Talent comes back on. Women should be able take their orgasms into their own hands like we’ve been able to since the advent of the dick. Let’s face it, forget about your bff and your dog, your dick is your best friend.

Your dick goes where you go, it’s always willing to walk out in front in case of danger, and it’s got your back no matter what horrible thing you made him do last night. This love comes from the familiarity that only comes with years spent together: in the bathroom, in the shower, in the backseat of my parent’s mini-van on the way back from Omaha that one time…anyways girls deserve that same closeness with their vaginas.

The sad truth of the matter is that there are many girls who don’t get that same wonderful bonding experience through their adolescence. A lot of girls go from playing with Polly Pocket to their boyfriend’s pocket rocket in the span of a few short years.

We forget this country was founded by all the cockblocks, prudes, and scallywags who couldn’t handle all the freaky sex going down in Europe. Such people are naturally inclined against any sexual satisfaction that doesn’t come from an actual wang. So really when you lay it all out, these moralistas who hate porn and dildos are really just trying to keep women tied in the bondage of cock dependency…oh boy, did anyone else just get very aroused?

Some of you might not think the looming specter of cock dependency doesn’t affect you, but ask yourself: How are women supposed to direct you to the Big O if they’re not sure how to get there themselves? How excited would you be for sex if you knew there was a better shot of getting struck with a meteor than achieving orgasm. If someone isn’t getting off during sex, don’t be too surprised if they’re not so eager to sign up for eight minutes of Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

So really what I’m aiming to do is get you better sex more often, it’s just that the key to this kingdom happens to be shaped like a jellied dick and balls. Go to a sex shop and have some fun checking out all the innovation in the wide world of sex toys. There’s no reason for feeling threatened or embarrassed, unless you’re wearing a piece of clothing made by Ed Hardy.

Bonding and communication are really important and really awful parts of relationships, but sometimes it can get you all kinds of laid, so take advantage of those brief moments when you can. If you want to become the Tarzan of Cock one day, then you’ll have to have many conversations like these, you might want to cut out the middleman and make up some comment cards to leave on the pillow, it’s certainly helped me get some positive feedback.

Pussies are like snowflakes: each different and beautiful in its’ own special way. The same moves don’t always work, I like to think of it as picking a lock or cracking a safe. Each one needs to have its’ needs met, and that can only be rightly achieved after years of postdoctorate work in Jilling off, and a dildo is a great way to start down the path of Earth-Shattering sex.

So don’t let some space-age dishwasher safe polymer threaten you, use the power of the dildo to make your lady happy. If you take the time to learn the secrets of making her purr like a walrus, expect her to make that same effort to play a few concertos on the old skin flute.

Visit www.advicelords.com to read more great articles by Tony Nusret.

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1. I Hope My Daughter Is a Slut Someday
2. B.F.W.F.
3. Getting Dirty With that QWERTY
4. Ugly is the New Hot
5. 10 Reasons Why Not to Let Your Friend Play Matchmaker

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